Day in. Day out. Her mind has always been busy, I guess..As a baby she would cry in the nights, probably to process the days impressions. And as she grew older it quickly became a problem, the thinking. The nights became her days, she just couldn’t sleep. Thoughts would cross her mind, bombarding her so much that she had to give in and they would conquer her. She wasn’t able to fall asleep. The demons in her head would keep her awake. „What if you die when falling asleep? What if all you family and friends are gone when you wake up? How will it be to die? Will you feel it?…“ The thoughts were so loud, she needed to cry. No one could help. She was alone in the darkness of her mind.
Fast forward and her small, childish night demons turned into real issues. Suddenly she the voices in her had wouldn’t even quiet throughout the day. She was a weird little girl. Had a lot of friends but couldn’t open herself to any of them. Acne made her life even more complicated and so she trained her mind to be shy, insecure and alone. Boys? Never an options for her. How would they’ve reacted to her bad skin? Now everyone thinks „it’s just acne, it will go aways..“, but she knew she was the only one knowing how it feels to be different. Do look different. Yes this may sound extrem comparing it to „real“ problems, but life is no game of >who has the worse problems<.
The ance faded with the help of the pill but the demons stayed. Too convenient for them to stay in such a destroyed mind, not knowing what is reality and just thoughts anymore.
And like this wasn’t enough for one young girl, one of the worst mental demons showed up. First it was an occasional visit. From time to time the demon showed up to say Hi, making itself a home more and more everytime it visited. The demon made her feel comfortable, telling her the truth, she thought. So the visits became more frequent and after a while of experiencing security, fun and comfort, the demon was moving into her mind. At this point she did not know that this relationship was toxic from the start.
The demons name was Ana. Ana appeared at the right time. She was feeling depressed and down for several reasons and Ana made her feel like at least one thing was under complete control. At the beginning everything seemed so peaceful and helping for her. Ana told her to eat less and less, because it would stop the pain she was feeling so deep inside of her. At some days she could feel the pain burning in her heart, through her veins. It felt like fire burning every cell in her body, from the head to the tip of her toes. But no problem Ana was there. She could always count on her. She would continue to tell her food is bad and just feeds the pain and one look into the mirror would made the decision easy for the poor little girl. She hated herself anyways and once she would finally be skinny, all her problems would be magically wiped away. Ana assured that.
After she couldn’t resist food anymore and progress would’ve plateaued, her best freind Ana needed help of her little sister Mia. She was the one with all the brilliant dark ideas, the crazy tips. When eating less isn’t helping anymore, neither to help lose the fat nor to stop the pain, binging and purging seemed the only way out.
As soon as she started this bullshit Ana and Mia threw away their nice little girly masks and showed their real faces. Unfortunately the girl was so deep captured in this beautiful cage, she couldn’t just escape. Ana and Mia wouldn’t shut up, they screamed at her no matter what she was doing. After praising the girl so much the demons would only see the mistakes she made. Nothing could be done right…
„The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old but building the new.“